put on your red shoes and dance

today sucks. nothing is going right. everyone hates each other. school is treble. people keep on beating the shit out of earth and no one cares about the environment but they most certainly care about the economy. One of my best friends is being bullied and no one will give him the chance to breath. because they just keep choking him out with harsh words and giving him the feeling that he is to different to function in reality. no one cares about anyone ells and what is going on in there life's. they are all just to damn caught up in their own life's that there forget that other people have those. they forget that other people haves life's and that what they say affects there life's now and whats to come.
and im sad
and im stressed
and there is so much pain and i cant fix it
and i hate medicine
and i want to feel better

so what i do when ever i feel the endless whoa of the world as stupid as it is
i dance
and sing
and choose to be happy. because being happy is a choice.
 and it is my choice.


 

 

Always here- Kobi

High school was a lot cooler in the 80's

what the Hell was that!?

that was it? that was high school?! you know Ive said it before and ill say it again i was born in the wrong generation. i wish i was born in the 80's!
back when high school was fantasized with movies and i feel like skateboarders were a lot cooler.
back when retro was at its peak. and puffy shoulder pads were on every prom dress.
back when goose bumps were scary. and cool kids seemed to be cool for cool reasons.
back when music was far out  fun. and my shorts now wouldn't be considered short shorts. 
back when U.S.A. was  the shit. and what we call Merica to day is nothing but Shit!
back when kids were kids. and fourth of July and summer night sky's were always unforgettable

those were supposed to my days i miss those days i wish i lived those days

-always here Kobi

^

i remember my jr year is what you call a "grand concoction"
i remember going to the graduation of the class above me and seeing all my friends graduate and thinking that i was being left behind.
i remember starting this year out happy. but really it was just a mask to make those i love feel happy.
 i remember have many plans for this school year but falling short due to being lazy.
i remember listening to clocks by cold play and porcelain
by moby and pretty lights and having this sudden rush of a feel that i was free. and being happy.
i remember this class and how i felt like how i was going to be such a great student.
 i renumber sucking so hard at this class and just being to lazy to be creative
i remember writing to Matt and there latter never getting there and just not writing him at all
i remember lots of great 80's movies and thinking high school was going to be like them
i remember graduating from special ed conquering my ADD and feeling like the greatest victor
i remember my deep talks with Spencer
i remember why i hate school so much and what its like to be so excited for summer
i remember lots of things but that will do for now. 

 

Black God

DNA SHOWS SUSPECT HELD IN CAPTIVITY 

CLEAVLAND -

DNA test confirmed another dark twist in the story 

the woman that gave birth to the good spirits outpouring flowers 

cant speak to monsterized twisted psychological games. 

 rescued al

let them live on

accepting 

remove 

declining from captive 

Jesus 

went home

We are chairs

"i will hold you up as long as you need.

just promise me you wont kick me over."

We all have those people that lay on our shoulders to keep them up.

they just need someone that they can fall back on and keep them a float

all we hope is that they dont take our help and step off of us

kicking our wooden frame to the cold concrete floor

where we watch them suffer

and kick

yet they cant scream for our help

it is to late 

and they are gone.

and they leave us tipped over broken and scratched  

we are everyone chair

and we dread the day we get tipped over 

im always here -Kobi

step by step how to fail neslsons class

Don't write anything creative or anything at all.......

If you really knew me, which you obviously don't. you would know that my name isn't Moby S. Charelston. you would know that my name is Jakob (kobi) Alexander Montandon Veroda the 1st.

If you really knew me:
you would know that i hate slow dancing.
you would know that i am most happy when those that are around me are happy
you would know that i am so ready to get out of here and leave high school
but if you really know me you would know that i am very scared to leave

If you really know me:
you would know that i hate being called stupid
you would know that i have been in special ed ever sense the 3rd grade until now
you would also know that i graduated from special ed last quarter proving all the bullies and unbelievers wrong!
you would know that i always root for the under dog even when they are in the wrong.
you would know that i love cereal and could and have eaten it for every meal

If you really know me:
you would know that i hate posting on this blog, partially because i am lazy and the other half because i feel like it is competitive to see who will make hall of fame, i feel like having a pen name is good but for some people it allows them to live a lie (i only say that because i have written lies on here already)
you would know that i was always scared until the 10th grade and cared way to much about others opinions
you would also know that i have now shared my real name because ever sense the 10th grade i stopped caring, and sens then i did things for me. and refused to let my true self be locked away anymore. im just proud of my name and my f*cked up head. that gets splatted all over my posts. its easier for me to write in my own name and sing in my own voice.
you would know that i know you are a lot more free and happy when you stop caring about what others think

If you really knew me:
you would know that even though i was born and raised in the church i am not truly converted and that i am currently meeting with the missionaries now
you would know that even though i see the church as being so confusing and even though i never bare my testimony i love it. and so far it has never once made me sad.        I love the the church and what it teaches, its its followers that are faulty. but then again we are only human.
you would know that i still have all my action figures in my closet and refuse to let my nieces and nephews play with them
you would know that i am addicted to music, and Sigur Ros is the best band PERIOD.

If you really knew me:
you would know that i hate being apart one of the biggest clicks in the school. the hipsters. and that my biggest regret of high school is allowing this click to keep me from meeting all of you beautiful people. I hate how people have told me that i am very intimidating due to me being what you would call "a cool hipster"
you would know that i am a very excepting person and am a very genunie person.
you would know that i love to talk and im even better at listening
you would know that i am always here.

If you really knew me:
you would know that i have never kissed anyone
you would also know that i have turned people down and sometimes regret doing so
you would also know that i hate regret so much because i own so much stock in it.
you would know that i am content with life and what it throws at me. even though i get pissed at that bitch we all call life.

If you really knew me:
you would know that i really like you. i know i don't know you, but what i do know is that i cant judge you for your insecurities and differences, because its most often our insecurities and differences that keep us from being liked. we all have them. so don't be shy about them. live your life knowing we all have struggle
you would know that i want someone to love but im in no hurry
you would know that i also want that first kiss but once again i really don't care about when it comes, sure ill be the weird guy who hasn't kissed anyone in high school but at least i haven't thrown it away and i want it to mean something, something real

If you really knew me you would know that i could just keep going and going
but i feel like if you knew anything more about me you would be scared of me. if arnt already.
but i will just keep it to my self, im really good at that.

If you really knew how i feel right now you would know that i feel free
i am free from what was an endless torture of the grade school
but there you go. now you know everything you need to know + sum. and so dose everyone ellse. and i.
i feel free.

so for all you haters out there tell the crowed something about me they don't already know!

im always here -Kobi

Dear. Moma

Thank you

Thank you for that time when I was sick and I threw up all over the place and you cleaned it all up.

Thank you for the heartwarming words that you spoke to me that kept the monsters away at night and made me feel like I was worth something

Thank you for your love when I thought no one loved me.

Thank you for bearing with me all these years

Thank you for always putting the family before yourself. I honestly can’t remember the last time you bought a new dress for yourself. But I can remember the last time you went out of your way to make us all so happy. And somehow it’s enough for you.

Thank you for building forts with me in the vacant lot behind our house and thank you for crying with me when they got torn down by construction workers.

Thank you for always crying with me

Thank you for always being with me, you have always been on my side even when imp against me. You really have a way with showing the true light in people. You know how to make people smile.

And you make us smile without money. You are simple plain and the most humble down to earth woman I know.

When people first glance at you they see that you don't have fancy rings, earrings and sparkling jewelry. Smothered with nice expensive clothing. however once they get to know you they see you for who you really are. And you are wonderful. You brighten up the whole room. And everyone wants to be your friend because of who you are and how wonderful of a person you are.

Thank you for your word of wisdom. I don't know if you know this but I have lots of deep conversations with all my friends and a lot of people come to me to talk. and people ask me how have I learned to become such a great talker and become so loving. And I know that I get it all from you. You have tough me how to become such a great person and a great friend. 

You are the best friend any one could have

I look back on this senior year a think. "I didn't really have any friends"

But what I do remember is that I become so much closer to you. And honestly that is so much better that any high schooler friend I could have made.

Thank you! I honestly can’t express that enough 

I really can’t.

 I looked on Facebook today to see what people have said about their moms. 

And to see that none of them talked about how plain their mother is or how soft spoken and always wanting others to be happy before their own sufficient needs. It made me really humbled and happy. I love you so much mom. Thank you for everything.

Thank you for everything and raising such wonderful kids that know how to succeed in life.

We owe all of our success to you. None of us would be where we are if it wasn’t for a single parent mother that put her friend’s family and most of all her kids before herself and taught us all the true meaning of the golden rule. You are the greatest example of what a mother really is in my life.

I love you mom. Thank you for everything.        Love always – your little Kobly Bear.

child hood dreams broken and cut.

Well the vacant lot sold be hind my house just recently
i think im happy. a house there would be nice i mean its an ideal place to put one.
in the midst of all those trees.
all those trees! we planted all of those trees. they were so small and now they are so tall and strong.
and every time i look at them i can tell you all the memories that go with each one.
i can tell you of secret forts and of birds nests with sleeping chicks in the summer time.
we can lay beneath their shady leafs and eat otter pops and listen to sweet music sung by birds
lets see how high we can get. we can get so high we can taste the sky and feel free
"we are so high i can see my house from here i remember exclaiming!"
which really was quite stupid of a joke seeing as how they were the trees in just the next lot over.
with no house in between.
but i am happy to see a house go up.
i am older and have no time for the grand trees that stand so high in the back lot.
i am happy for who ever gets to live in that lot and feel as i once did.
and turns out they have kids!
young children with racing imaginations as i once did.
these trees will serve them well. and with birth many new ideas and vast journeys of the young vast imagination.
i can rest easy knowing that the trees will be in good hands.


one morning i woke up late. it was around 11 o'clock am. but it was a weekend so never mind that being late. i went up stairs to get some cereal and i looked out my back window to find the most dreadful site.
they were being chopped down.
the trees of my childhood were being chopped down and there was nothing i could do but curse the day.
but what of the children i exclaimed they loved the trees and the mother she even said she loved the trees. and with out the trees its just like any other piece of property.
my mom had called the mother of the children that were to be living in this home in this back lot and asked her why they were chopping down the great trees.
the mother sadly told us of how her husband and landscaper had convinced her to chop them down.
and how the landscaper had said that they were trash trees and only had a few years left in them.
to hell with that as if. we bought those trees and planted them our self's they were strong trees and were going to go the distance but then you had to come along and chop them down.
my mother and i cried that day.
you had to go out there and chop down my child hoop memories as if my memories were trash and only had a few years left in them.
but no. they were all gone. chopped and ground into wood chips. there was a load of wood chips that they didn't need so they left it to us.
we will spread it through our yard.
our cold dead yard where the ground is lined with dead child hood memories and renascences of grand trees that tasted the sky.

~

well i wrote a very well written one liner that i proofread and proof read and proof read and then i added something and i dint like it so i pressed ctrl z (thinking it would just get rid of what was just added like it usually dose) and it replaced it with another blog post so i thought it just moved me over to another post so i closed it and it saved the other post over the really good proof read one.
so now im really really pissed and i just got back form the most pissed of walk ever.
so if i ever work up enough courage to face my anxiety of rewriting another one which will probably be never. here is this what ever this is.
i guess its just a place holder so i got points as sad as that is.

have a lovely day beoches!

1,2,3,4,5,6

always, sing in your own voice

it is good to be good

i read to you on Saturdays

were all born to broken people

im all made out of shipwrecks

we only have what we remember

Anxiety

Anxiety is an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior, such as pacing back and forth, somatic complaints and rumination.^[2] It is the subjectively unpleasant feelings of dread over something unlikely to happen, such as the feeling of imminent death.^[3] Anxiety is feeling unrealistic fear, worry, and uneasiness, usually generalized and unfocused.^[4] It is often accompanied by restlessness, fatigue, problems in concentration, and musclular tension. Anxiety is not the same as fear, which is felt about something realistically intimidating.^[5] Anxiety is not considered to be a normal reaction to a perceived stressor although many feel it occasionally. When anxiety becomes overwhelming and distressing to the sufferer, it may fall under the psychiatric diagnosis ofanxiety disorder.^[6] Anxiety is not the same as fear. Fear is evoked by a realistic danger and is an appropriate response to a perceived threat, while anxiety is worry or overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing.^[5]

i often times think to much causing me lots of anxiety. But is my mind not a realistic danger. I enjoy the mind games i play and the constant head aches. they keep me busy. but anxiety. anxiety is all that is keeping me from allowing my dreams and mind from becoming a reality.

cigarets & mysterious love

straight of the plain i was is a whirling blow of culture shock and pure whoa of excitement.it was slightly raining but more of a warm over cast like a warm bath. i rented my self a car and on my first day i was ticketed for being late. but sens i was cool with the boss i was let off the hook but just this one time. i was honestly stoked to be there, wasn't to sure about my class. you seen i really didn't have any friends in the class like fiend friends. i had the head bob, science buddy and "watch my back during PE dodge ball buddies but not really anyone to talk with about them and them about me.



all i had was the boss. so i was pretty attentive through out the day because honestly he was the only man i was there to see. the next day was pretty alright he was on this rant about how kids should drop the class. see the thing was, was that there were kids taking the class because they herd it was an easy class and had no intentions of taking anything he said seriously. they were there for the credit. and he had kids wanting to get in but they couldn't because the class was full already. i was still very engaged and ready to write and look into peoples souls through poetry. But over all the class was still looking up and i was happy with it although my boss has a very cluttered and ugly room. i feel like it has more potential for creativity. but o well class was good. i walked out the door out on to the streets and thought about how i could change the room up a bit. is that a sin i technically was messing with pairs but i was expanding on creativity. i think its okay because once you start putting rules on creativity it all goes wrong. i cant put anything before my creativity. no. not even Paris.
i must say though Paris. Paris is where i tasted true poetry. and it tasted so good. Paris is what made me love lyrics to songs so much more and notice things about them even more. i also feel like Pairs is partially responsible for my recent love for rap. that and Conner Bartlet. good kid. I definitely miss the music scene back home but out here it is so different and peculiar and the way they perfectly pronounce their words and speak art from their mouths. it just beautiful.
because of pairs i bought into reading and bought books. yes i spent money on books things i hadn't read sens the BFG and other 5th and 6th grade reader books. I opened up a whole new world to me and i started to learn because i wanted knowledge. I stopped caring about letter grade and more about the knowledge i was consuming and the memories i was creating and i was always trying to go on new adventures. i felt more free than ever i felt like school was fun. at first Paris was like any other class but then i started learning and loving learning and i learned to love Paris. hahah Paris where i bought into learning those were good times. Every morning we began class with the daily news going on and then i had a coffee and listened to what the boss had to say. although i was very annoyed at some of the students some times. Listen to me and mark my words when i say listen to what  Nelson has to say. and he has a lot to say at that. but yeah the boss will let you have a lot of freedoms like having your phone out and stuff like that. but listen to what the guys has to say it is usually always pretty good stuff. once again to that man sitting next to me please stop talking while Nelson is pulling out his paper and writing it all down. it is beautiful and you are killing it. i feel like these are the kids that should have transferred out. i got mad at them the other day and they were pretty rude back to me . they were not a fan of what i had to say. and i was tired and pissed because they just had to much to say. and then i was mad because i missed what Nelson had to say or he stopped because no one was paying any attention and these kids suck.



ahhhhh. please if you have something to say
there are points in time where you will be able to talk. just not now.
one particular day i walked into class and watched a video about a woman who talked to us about being alone. being alone and being perfectly content with that. i watched a woman with one one around her live the most content and happy life. it was what i needed to see i was having a hard time due to not having any of my friends in Paris let a lone the whole school with me. but this year. this year i learned how to be alone, and be pretty happy with that.wondering Paris was fabulous if i could have changed anything i would have made my self a little more motivated tp get blogs done on time. but senior year got to me first. i loved this class and i loved my class and what i learned form it. i leaned a lot about myself. and that makes me so happy.

rap by: KILLER, URBAN, BEATS, INCORPORATED!!!!

once there was a pretty flower
who was actually a girl
who was actually a really cute girl
who was actually  my girl

Baby! this one is for you!

you
you
you have such great style
its as long and as vast as the nile
your eyes shine bright
which causes explosions in my soul like mass quantities of imported goods such as dynamite
your thighs are very nice
do you eat a lot of rice?   (because i herd that stuff is good for you)
im digin those collar bones
there white sleek and sexy just like star wars clones
your like my pinky toe your small and cute
and ill probably bang you on the coffee table later tonight!!!
(hola!)
you have the most peculiarly sexy eye brows
what the heck! don't be a slut!, cover up and stop showing off your wow wow's!
we made fcking vows!
so stop making my dood friends arous..(ed)!!!!!
listen, listen, im sorry i lost my temper baby
i think i got bit with something called a raby
but never mind that back to you
your hair smells great like peach shampoo.....(p) hehehe jk
your hair is really lush
GO GEORGE BUSH!!!!!!
your legs are really smooth
so let me give you a massage with lotion to sooth
your mood is really feisty
i bet you drive a Ferrari!     (because that is what feisty people drive!!)
and please please don't get me started on that butt
because that is an unholy  to talk about and ill feel a burning in my bosom (aka god will smite me in the gut)
baby your the only one for me
its like the relationship between Bruce LEE and his tyChi or was it karoTEE.
well. alls in alls all im trying to say is baby i love you!
and i hope you love me too!

Word.

Nigga please.

Holla!!!

an original brought to you by yours truly

K.U.B.I.

KILLER, URBAN, BEATS, INCORPORATED!!!!

we all own a pretty little name. pined right into our heart. and some how this name is suposed to define us as a person.

                                                      NERD

                                                      FOREIGNER

                                                      SLUT

                                                     SHY KID

                                                      BULLY

                                                      JOCK
                           









                                               

X

Me
My conscious  (my inner self?)

Wow that girl is really cute.
Well then you should go talk to her
Naw i don't feel like it. plus
shut the hell up. no excuses only talking and flirting with that bodacious girl across the commons.
Please don't swear. and I'm perfectly content with where i stand right now.
Bitch please, I'm your conscious no one can hear me but you. so i can say what ever the hell i want. and enough is enough stop being such a punk and go and talk to that dang girl. you think way to much. and as much as i would miss you, you talk to me way too much.
AHHHH! i hate you but your so right.
Stop thinking about it and go do something before its to late. 
Ope! hear that? there's the bell. got to go to class because its not like I'm ever late for that.
damn kid! you win the battle but once again you loose the war. And i really hope you wake up before the school year is over. Slash that screw school. i just hope you wake up. do your self a favor and wake up.
laters. 

wake up!

 

Hello every one?

sorry i refused to post. i had most of them written out. but i just couldn't bring my self to post it. i just don't want people to read it and to try and figure me out. not like figure out who Moby S. Charleston III is. but me me. please don't try. i don't even know who i am.

but don't worry i will start posting more. i think. idk.
 "nelson if you are reading this how far am i supposed to reach into my soul and put it on paper. and how much am i supposed to share on this blog"

i guess i just start writing and then cant stop. but when i look back i take out a lot because i don't know if i should or really want to be sharing it.

"nelson how far do you go?"

Im always here - Moby

#

Im afraid.
are you afraid?
please tell me you are afraid..
because being afraid a lone is no fun
but i find my self there all the time and i am getting to the point where being alone is no longer frightening. 
but now i think about my future am i going to be a lone forever?
im afraid that i will never find this thing called true real love. that everyone seems to be talking about. 
and im afraid that i will never be loved or when i am i wont know how to give it back.
im afraid i will be loved and cherish it and wont give in back. 
and she will leave and i will cherish what once was and be happy being alone.

Im Afraid that i have fallen in love with myself and that i will just keep it that way.

Im afraid of this man they call satin but lately ive been hanging out with him.
and now i am afraid of god
i know god loves me. but god wants me to change some things in my heart
and i am afraid that he will ask me to do just that
but i dont know how
how
im afraid of the how.
how did we get here
how long till we go home
how do we know what were doing
how is it that people can be so cruel
how is it that humans can be so unpassionet
how do we learn to love how do we move on
how.

Im afraid of  posting on this blog
because im afraid of you guys reading it
Im afraid of regret because its all around me
and ive become quite used to regret because Im afraid of my potenshal

Even though i tell my self i dont care
im afraid of people judging me
im afraid

Im afraid of not being loved back
and im that last free puppy in a box and im afraid that no one loves me and that i will be taken to the pound
the pound. a place for broken animals and those that just messed it all up
but im just a pup how did i mess it all up this early in the game, why can no one love me.
why cant no one see the love in me.

and i see myself in so many other people.
and cant help but cry for them
and see how we are all impounded pups not because we are bad, but rather that no one gave us the chance
no one took the time to look past our cute faces and pretty coats
and it was ages before someone noticed the lost pup
but by that time it seemed to late.
lonely was my homie
and im afraid that i dont know who to except your love even though i want it.
i want your love but i am afraid of your love.

but hear me when i say im so tired of being alone.
and afraid that it will never stop.
but im afraid of you love because love is a bitch
and love has bitched with me far to many times
and im afraid because love is essential to life
and aint nobody to bitchen for love

im afraid like dogs are afraid of the pound
im afraid like baby bird is afraid of its first flight
im afraid like nature is of polution
im afraid like moms for their children
like dads for their work
like siblings for...
well i guess i dont know that, most my siblings moved out when i was a young age
i guess lonely has practiced a lot on me.
im afraid.
im afraid every day because every day i fight for survival

not physical survival.
but physical survival.

its called survival of the fittest.
but i cant help but feel like everyone got a head start.
and im afraid i will never catch up.
nore am i any where near fit to do so.

im afraid that you will read this
and im afraid that it will mean nothing to you
and that is why im afraid of writing on here
and why im afraid of posting it once i write it.

because im writing this for me
but you get to read it

and most of all im afraid that you will rad this and try to figure me out from my posts
but i ask you kindly to please stop. because im afraid that i haven't even figured me out.
so just stop now its a lost caus

bust promis me this that you will stand by me and hold my hand because im tired of being alone.
and now im afraid that none of you will take me seriously

im afraid
are you?
can we be afraid together.

-Moby

learning to swim.

Im tiered of  friendships crashing upon uncharted shores.

 no matter how hard i steer the ship away from the rocky cliffs.
you draw nearer to them. 

where you build fires made of memories.

seek shelter in dark caves.

and fail to make sos signals for your tears keep putting them out.

its been 2 moths sens ive seen you.

sens that dreadful day  when you fell over board and refused to reach for the preservers i threw to you.
i could only throw so many before i had to veer the ship away from the rocky shore.

now i sail the ocean in a broken friendship searching for you and wondering.
wondering where you are.
wondering who you are now.
wondering how you are.
wondering if you made it to shore or dreading if you lie lifeless below the water.

some times i wonder if you even wanted to be saved.
maybe you just saw this tragedy as your chance out.
while i stood firm like and anker in our cozy little ship and looked for new adventure.
you looked for new ships frind ships.
and at that time we only had one thing in common,   we both wanted what we couldn't have.
while my eyes were set on riches and memory bound adventures.
yours were set on the similar things, but in a different ship manned by people who were not me.
when you first showed sign of this thought, i assumed we could venture together and build upon our ship.
the more the merrier i exclaimed
but you had other plans
and you made it clear i was not to fallow

only a few days after speaking your mind, that dreadful day arrived
seduced by the rocky cliffs and the uncharted beach
you fell over board or maybe you eagerly leaped
ether way you are gone now and i dont know what im still doing here.
maybe im sticking around too long and i just need to move out
but i told you id always be here for you and stay firm and be but a light house and am waiting for your return.
i dont know what to do
im all mixed up in the head
i cant wait forever i have a broken life to get back to. but its better than no life at all
but what if you return on my absence
so i guess ill just sit her and wait.
and while im waiting ill be alone, because for a long while before there was you and me,
there was me and me. and all i had was alone.
i dont really want to go back to alone

so for now i will sail my my broken friend ship. because its all i have and know
and ill leave bottles with maps of my heart in them
cause we used to talk a lot about our hearts
and i miss pulling it out for a breath of air and putting it on paper.

and maybe one day you will find a bottle and you remember the tretchures adventures you had on the friend ship you sailed with the brave Captain Moby S.Charleston the III.
and maybe it will make you happy
because that all i ever wanted.

-Captain Moby

+

I drove to the moon last week day.
I danced with the Aliens.
And had sex with the Stars.
There famous you know?
Millions of them.

-Moby

Even though nothing i just said will mean anything to you and most definitely not make sens.
I think its clever. i recite it and feel cool. im messed up. i know. but at least im able to show it off rather than write it in my journal where it never gets the chance to come out and take a breath. this is to all the people blogging here for Nelsons class that aren't singing in their own voices. you know who you are. write what you think, feel and act. not what will get you comets, stolen lines and hall of fame. im getting tired of reading blog posts that are intellectual mind boggling deep and heavy. dont get me wrong i love to deep think about things. look at some of my posts for instance. But i feel like there needs to be more joy and joking smothered in you weird reality that you personally call life. yeah i might not know who you really are. but i know that we all are weird. and that it is more fun to write it the way it sounds in out heads than the way that makes it look good.


 i want to see you. the weird, real you.
sing in you own voice, it might not be prettier but it will be you.
and people will ether love or hate you for being you. But once that's happened write for those who love you for you. because the rest don't matter.

-Moby

S.I.T.T.M. 3/5/13

Are you kidding me!!! Before i go hamf let me let you know i love the lunch ladies (not like love love, but they are good people) dont get me wrong.
They're my homies!  While the rest of you losers are getting one pudding im getting two for the same price!!! What now snitches!! But today they pushed the wrong button! OHHHHH MAN did the MAN push it. i got there in time got my lunch. thanked all the lunch ladies for their hard work and gave them all nice smiles. because you know what every one deserves a smile. the lunch ladies are hard working people there to serve us food. so show a little respect! Or at least that's how i used to feel. to day on this o so special ocation. i got my lunch and thanked them all like i said before. Although this time when i went to pay. She looked at me and said "where is your fruit or vegetable". I happily looked at her and said "im not hungry for any thanks. If i took a fruit or vegetable i will probably just throw it away". Lunch lady "i don't care you ether take a fruit or vegetable or i charge you for not having one!" (apperently there is some sort of school rule that you have to have a fruit or vegetable you have no choice!) Me thinking "wholly effing crap lady its me dont you remember me the one that makes all your guys's day a bit easier, and here you are threatening me!" Me talking "do you know how much food is waisted in america, about 50%!!! i dont want to be apart of the problem but rather the solution!!" Lunch lady "well looks like im going to charge you for it then." at that point i saw there was no way around it but to grab a stinking vegetable cup. and i was also holding up the line. so i grabbed my vegetable cup got my self some milk (chocolate of course) and bought the dang lunch. but i didnt take my vegtibles with me. OHHH No I didn't  o yes i did!! I looked at her, sat my vegetables on the table and left it there for her to clean up! WHAT UP NOW SNITCHES! ahhhhhh yeah. i know that was a little anti climatic. but the truth is. i hate waisting food. so i left it there for her to snack on. Poop face lunch lady.

S.I.T.T.M.

-Moby

Love is needed

Love is a bitch.
But love is my bitch. And aint nobody too bitchen for love.

My mother tought me to never tell anyone that you 'hate' them. she tought me that the word hate is a powerful word and that you usually don't mean it.
As a kid you are usually tought that you love everyone and to treat everyone with kindness and love. Love Love Love!!!  I feel like that word is thrown around to much. in songs, movies, the internet and worst of all cheesy soap operas. And honestly i think you should treat the word Love just the same as you would treat the word Hate. They should rarely be used. and only for special occasions. Now ill be real. i break out the L word far to much [(not lesbians)scott pilgrim vs the world]. but love! ahhh.


After a dance once i said to a person "i love you". I honestly wish now that that person would have walked straight up to me and hit me in the face. i wish they would have hit me and told me that "you don't know what your talking about". even as embarrassing as that would be it would saved me. would have saved me now looking back on it all.

Love. we all need it but we rarely understand it. and i honestly don't know if i ever will.
But in science. yes I'm breaking out science and i know a lot of you will tune out now and say science knows nothing of love. but just keep with me for a bit. Ill be done soon.

 Harry Harlow. Preformed a study where he placed an infant monkey in an isolated room with a food and a teddy bear. instantly the small monkey went to the bear and stayed with it without eating for days. evey now and then it would go and get a bit of food and quickly return to its teddy bear that supplied it will the comfort and support that it needed. Over all the monkey chose the comfort of the bear over the food.

All im saying by this is that Love and Comfort are essential to life! Thats the most i have figured out about love. you need it in you life. I need my mom, i need my dad, i need my family, i need my best friend, i need my friends,
   And most of all i need to be needed.

-Moby

I am far to small.

There is so much of it.

Space.

There is so much space i am terrified but so taken in by it because with that much space there is so much room for flaw. in fact there is and endless amount. you can mess up as much as you want. and there is no way that the rest of the space will notice.

Space is good. But ive been pretty scared of graduating high school and how much space im going to get.
im going to get to choose my life and there is a lot to choose from. the space is an endless voyage with no map. all you have is you sights of where you want to be. And as for everything in between that's spaces decision. a lot of people get to cought up in where they are going and if they are moving forward back wards or just standing still. well it all comes down to "where do you want to see yourself in the future".

ive read quite a few other blog posts on this subject and i feel like a lot of people are just scared. And feel like they can mess up and if they do there is no hope for them. Which is sad, life is filled with so much opretunity and chance. which "yes" can be good or bad. but if you have good friends and family to support you or for you to fall back on. Or if you have a firm belief in what you want to do and you are sturdy and confident in it you really can fail.

confidence is key. have you stepped outside recently? there is a world out there. and it is the big bad wolf ready to tear your dreams from your heart and tear you apart along with it. It is vast and scary and beautiful.
and overwhelming.
I am far to small.
But my heart, dreams and confidence are big. bigger than any bad wolf.
and when i dream i dont dream about those bad wolfs and the chaotic world.
in my dreams i am going places. and it is so hard but im going places, im going forward. and im living in my own space where im the ruler. and if the totally space wants to move around me so be it. but im not letting it scare me and decide any of my future.
because that is mine. my future is for me to decide and i think with what i have and where i want to be ill do just fine in any amount of space.

-Moby

Thinking to hard

Im thinking about you.
im thinking about you like 1 thinks about 2.
Im thinking about you like walnuts think about when they're going to sprout.
im thinking about you like kids think about what they will become when they grow up.
im thinking about you like a book thinks about being opened and read.
Im thinking about you.

these are all pretty good ways to express the way im thinking about you
the only problem is that i dont think that way
that was all a lie
i think about what was.
rather than what is to come.

im thinking about you like 1 thinks about 0
im thinking about you like a walnut thinks about what tree it came from.
im thinking about you like a kid thinks about where they came from!
im thinking about you like books think about who wrote them!

so i am thinking about you like the present thinks about the past!
and the past thinks about the future! 
the the future thinks "when the hell are you going to get here"!!

Because baby I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting.


but it turns out you were waiting for me all along.
and once i got my mind straight
you were long gone
and thinking about you has become regrets of the past
where i think about you and how i could have been happy making you happy
but i was to scared.
when i start thinking about you i get scared.
no its not your face
or your weight, height, likes or any other physical traits and interests.
its that your to good.
your to good, and i could have been with you.
but i just started thinking way to much
and lost my chance
so baby im thinking about you now
im thinking that im sorry i think too much
and baby im thinking about you for who you are.
and im sorry i messed up.

-Moby

Without my defaults how me would i really be?

We all have a huge arsenal of imperfections that we wish we could change.
Our teeth arnt straight and are tinted yellow. we are to pail. we dont have nice cloths. we have a hard time keeping a conversation going. we are too skinny. we are too fat. we have way to curly hair. we arnt smart. we struggle way to much with reading so we just choose not to. we arnt good a good athlete. we have a funny looking nose. we do like the shape of our head. we have to watch what we eat.
Relax.
were not perfect. Thank God for that. Really thank him because too often we thank him for our blessings and talents. And we honestly think that's what makes us us. but really, where would we be without our imperfections. And we weren't just given those talents from God. No instead he gave us trials and defaults to make us work for our glory.
i used to think things like "im ugly" and that is why i couldn't find love. As if looks had more to do with love than whats on the inside. With looks you can get popcorn love. But when you look past the looks and see them for who they are rather than what they look like. you find yourself a whole new person.
And my ADD ahhhh gosh i hate it. i feel like id be so much smarter without it. and id be able to get all my work done better. And take all those fancy AP and college classes. but knowing what i know now and the people ive met due to me not taking those classes. I wouldn't trade my imperfections for anything. they have made me tough. and i thank God.looking over all my imperfections and my life and how ive grown from far out rather than through a magnifying glass. I am blown away at how much i have grown from them and cherish them. And what they have done for me.

imperfections are just one more thing set in your life to make you stronger and reminds us that we are just humans. And they are what make me, me. And you, you. and aint nobody going to change that.


-Moby

my lovely Rose garden in Hell.

In every house hold i see that there are words. Words of love and words of hate. And there are those words that you cant use and say in any situation. you have your swear words, your potty language, and racist words. we have a lot of those same rules in my home. But when im the father and i make the rules. I know what word will be at the top of my list.
The cuss word of all words. the big bad wolf. In my house it will be know as dropping the F bomb. Under no circumstance will you ever say it. you will never say FAIR. Because life aint fair. aint nothing fair about it. And if you think you can be speaking that word to me in arms length in my house. you best be running. Life isnt fair. Life is hard and living hell and there is only one way out of it. but the thought of that is unbearable because life. life is bearable. we've been doing it for as long as we can remember. and as long as our folks and their folk remember. Life has always been hell. as long as i can remember. but the funny thing is there are some pretty parts of hell. and the more often we learn to pay attention to those prettier parts the more beautiful parts there will be.
so while most people will cry about spilled milk and there lives that seem completely unbearable.
ill know that life. life is bearable. it aint fair. And we dont need fair.

 A beautiful hell whole reality we all call life.

All you need to do is to have perspective. Be able to see the world through others eyes. Be able to step back and think about what you are seeing through your eyes.
is it beutiful?
dose it make you happy?
the only person that will fix the situation and bring you happiness is you.
so wake up and smell the roses becues i just planted a rose garden.
yeah 2 Pac talks about a rose that grew from a crack in the concrete
 But i just grew a whole bush of roses i HELL! and they smell so heavenly.
and im happy
and life aint fair
and thats okay because im still happy
 for i have a perspective that helps me to see heaven while i dwell in this hell.

-Moby

living life dead

Im pathetic.
or maybe i just have really really bad writers block right now.
Ether way i had no idea how to stat this blog post so i looked up the meaning of death in Wikipedia.

Death is the permanent cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism. Phenomena which commonly bring about death include biological aging (senescence), predation, malnutrition, disease, suicide, murder and accidents or trauma resulting in terminal injury.^[1] Bodies of living organisms begin to decompose shortly after death.

Sounds about right except for the fact that they left out the living dead. No not the zombies you see on the Walking dead or in movies but the people you see every day at school, the store, and church.
they go through the day in a lifeless manner doing the same things over and over again and some how see no need for change.
Those are the living dead.
they are are living just physically
but mentally they have passed on.
and for some of them that is there life and see no need for change.
they are the reason why i wonder if humans are robots or not.

i think they are happy. but to be honest they don't show any sign of it. or any sign of anything. they just go on living their dead beet life's.

And i wonder a lot. i wonder if they are just asleep and somebody just needs to wake them up.

-Moby