Hello every one?

sorry i refused to post. i had most of them written out. but i just couldn't bring my self to post it. i just don't want people to read it and to try and figure me out. not like figure out who Moby S. Charleston III is. but me me. please don't try. i don't even know who i am.

but don't worry i will start posting more. i think. idk.
 "nelson if you are reading this how far am i supposed to reach into my soul and put it on paper. and how much am i supposed to share on this blog"

i guess i just start writing and then cant stop. but when i look back i take out a lot because i don't know if i should or really want to be sharing it.

"nelson how far do you go?"

Im always here - Moby

#

Im afraid.
are you afraid?
please tell me you are afraid..
because being afraid a lone is no fun
but i find my self there all the time and i am getting to the point where being alone is no longer frightening. 
but now i think about my future am i going to be a lone forever?
im afraid that i will never find this thing called true real love. that everyone seems to be talking about. 
and im afraid that i will never be loved or when i am i wont know how to give it back.
im afraid i will be loved and cherish it and wont give in back. 
and she will leave and i will cherish what once was and be happy being alone.

Im Afraid that i have fallen in love with myself and that i will just keep it that way.

Im afraid of this man they call satin but lately ive been hanging out with him.
and now i am afraid of god
i know god loves me. but god wants me to change some things in my heart
and i am afraid that he will ask me to do just that
but i dont know how
how
im afraid of the how.
how did we get here
how long till we go home
how do we know what were doing
how is it that people can be so cruel
how is it that humans can be so unpassionet
how do we learn to love how do we move on
how.

Im afraid of  posting on this blog
because im afraid of you guys reading it
Im afraid of regret because its all around me
and ive become quite used to regret because Im afraid of my potenshal

Even though i tell my self i dont care
im afraid of people judging me
im afraid

Im afraid of not being loved back
and im that last free puppy in a box and im afraid that no one loves me and that i will be taken to the pound
the pound. a place for broken animals and those that just messed it all up
but im just a pup how did i mess it all up this early in the game, why can no one love me.
why cant no one see the love in me.

and i see myself in so many other people.
and cant help but cry for them
and see how we are all impounded pups not because we are bad, but rather that no one gave us the chance
no one took the time to look past our cute faces and pretty coats
and it was ages before someone noticed the lost pup
but by that time it seemed to late.
lonely was my homie
and im afraid that i dont know who to except your love even though i want it.
i want your love but i am afraid of your love.

but hear me when i say im so tired of being alone.
and afraid that it will never stop.
but im afraid of you love because love is a bitch
and love has bitched with me far to many times
and im afraid because love is essential to life
and aint nobody to bitchen for love

im afraid like dogs are afraid of the pound
im afraid like baby bird is afraid of its first flight
im afraid like nature is of polution
im afraid like moms for their children
like dads for their work
like siblings for...
well i guess i dont know that, most my siblings moved out when i was a young age
i guess lonely has practiced a lot on me.
im afraid.
im afraid every day because every day i fight for survival

not physical survival.
but physical survival.

its called survival of the fittest.
but i cant help but feel like everyone got a head start.
and im afraid i will never catch up.
nore am i any where near fit to do so.

im afraid that you will read this
and im afraid that it will mean nothing to you
and that is why im afraid of writing on here
and why im afraid of posting it once i write it.

because im writing this for me
but you get to read it

and most of all im afraid that you will rad this and try to figure me out from my posts
but i ask you kindly to please stop. because im afraid that i haven't even figured me out.
so just stop now its a lost caus

bust promis me this that you will stand by me and hold my hand because im tired of being alone.
and now im afraid that none of you will take me seriously

im afraid
are you?
can we be afraid together.

-Moby

learning to swim.

Im tiered of  friendships crashing upon uncharted shores.

 no matter how hard i steer the ship away from the rocky cliffs.
you draw nearer to them. 

where you build fires made of memories.

seek shelter in dark caves.

and fail to make sos signals for your tears keep putting them out.

its been 2 moths sens ive seen you.

sens that dreadful day  when you fell over board and refused to reach for the preservers i threw to you.
i could only throw so many before i had to veer the ship away from the rocky shore.

now i sail the ocean in a broken friendship searching for you and wondering.
wondering where you are.
wondering who you are now.
wondering how you are.
wondering if you made it to shore or dreading if you lie lifeless below the water.

some times i wonder if you even wanted to be saved.
maybe you just saw this tragedy as your chance out.
while i stood firm like and anker in our cozy little ship and looked for new adventure.
you looked for new ships frind ships.
and at that time we only had one thing in common,   we both wanted what we couldn't have.
while my eyes were set on riches and memory bound adventures.
yours were set on the similar things, but in a different ship manned by people who were not me.
when you first showed sign of this thought, i assumed we could venture together and build upon our ship.
the more the merrier i exclaimed
but you had other plans
and you made it clear i was not to fallow

only a few days after speaking your mind, that dreadful day arrived
seduced by the rocky cliffs and the uncharted beach
you fell over board or maybe you eagerly leaped
ether way you are gone now and i dont know what im still doing here.
maybe im sticking around too long and i just need to move out
but i told you id always be here for you and stay firm and be but a light house and am waiting for your return.
i dont know what to do
im all mixed up in the head
i cant wait forever i have a broken life to get back to. but its better than no life at all
but what if you return on my absence
so i guess ill just sit her and wait.
and while im waiting ill be alone, because for a long while before there was you and me,
there was me and me. and all i had was alone.
i dont really want to go back to alone

so for now i will sail my my broken friend ship. because its all i have and know
and ill leave bottles with maps of my heart in them
cause we used to talk a lot about our hearts
and i miss pulling it out for a breath of air and putting it on paper.

and maybe one day you will find a bottle and you remember the tretchures adventures you had on the friend ship you sailed with the brave Captain Moby S.Charleston the III.
and maybe it will make you happy
because that all i ever wanted.

-Captain Moby

+

I drove to the moon last week day.
I danced with the Aliens.
And had sex with the Stars.
There famous you know?
Millions of them.

-Moby

Even though nothing i just said will mean anything to you and most definitely not make sens.
I think its clever. i recite it and feel cool. im messed up. i know. but at least im able to show it off rather than write it in my journal where it never gets the chance to come out and take a breath. this is to all the people blogging here for Nelsons class that aren't singing in their own voices. you know who you are. write what you think, feel and act. not what will get you comets, stolen lines and hall of fame. im getting tired of reading blog posts that are intellectual mind boggling deep and heavy. dont get me wrong i love to deep think about things. look at some of my posts for instance. But i feel like there needs to be more joy and joking smothered in you weird reality that you personally call life. yeah i might not know who you really are. but i know that we all are weird. and that it is more fun to write it the way it sounds in out heads than the way that makes it look good.


 i want to see you. the weird, real you.
sing in you own voice, it might not be prettier but it will be you.
and people will ether love or hate you for being you. But once that's happened write for those who love you for you. because the rest don't matter.

-Moby

S.I.T.T.M. 3/5/13

Are you kidding me!!! Before i go hamf let me let you know i love the lunch ladies (not like love love, but they are good people) dont get me wrong.
They're my homies!  While the rest of you losers are getting one pudding im getting two for the same price!!! What now snitches!! But today they pushed the wrong button! OHHHHH MAN did the MAN push it. i got there in time got my lunch. thanked all the lunch ladies for their hard work and gave them all nice smiles. because you know what every one deserves a smile. the lunch ladies are hard working people there to serve us food. so show a little respect! Or at least that's how i used to feel. to day on this o so special ocation. i got my lunch and thanked them all like i said before. Although this time when i went to pay. She looked at me and said "where is your fruit or vegetable". I happily looked at her and said "im not hungry for any thanks. If i took a fruit or vegetable i will probably just throw it away". Lunch lady "i don't care you ether take a fruit or vegetable or i charge you for not having one!" (apperently there is some sort of school rule that you have to have a fruit or vegetable you have no choice!) Me thinking "wholly effing crap lady its me dont you remember me the one that makes all your guys's day a bit easier, and here you are threatening me!" Me talking "do you know how much food is waisted in america, about 50%!!! i dont want to be apart of the problem but rather the solution!!" Lunch lady "well looks like im going to charge you for it then." at that point i saw there was no way around it but to grab a stinking vegetable cup. and i was also holding up the line. so i grabbed my vegetable cup got my self some milk (chocolate of course) and bought the dang lunch. but i didnt take my vegtibles with me. OHHH No I didn't  o yes i did!! I looked at her, sat my vegetables on the table and left it there for her to clean up! WHAT UP NOW SNITCHES! ahhhhhh yeah. i know that was a little anti climatic. but the truth is. i hate waisting food. so i left it there for her to snack on. Poop face lunch lady.

S.I.T.T.M.

-Moby

Love is needed

Love is a bitch.
But love is my bitch. And aint nobody too bitchen for love.

My mother tought me to never tell anyone that you 'hate' them. she tought me that the word hate is a powerful word and that you usually don't mean it.
As a kid you are usually tought that you love everyone and to treat everyone with kindness and love. Love Love Love!!!  I feel like that word is thrown around to much. in songs, movies, the internet and worst of all cheesy soap operas. And honestly i think you should treat the word Love just the same as you would treat the word Hate. They should rarely be used. and only for special occasions. Now ill be real. i break out the L word far to much [(not lesbians)scott pilgrim vs the world]. but love! ahhh.


After a dance once i said to a person "i love you". I honestly wish now that that person would have walked straight up to me and hit me in the face. i wish they would have hit me and told me that "you don't know what your talking about". even as embarrassing as that would be it would saved me. would have saved me now looking back on it all.

Love. we all need it but we rarely understand it. and i honestly don't know if i ever will.
But in science. yes I'm breaking out science and i know a lot of you will tune out now and say science knows nothing of love. but just keep with me for a bit. Ill be done soon.

 Harry Harlow. Preformed a study where he placed an infant monkey in an isolated room with a food and a teddy bear. instantly the small monkey went to the bear and stayed with it without eating for days. evey now and then it would go and get a bit of food and quickly return to its teddy bear that supplied it will the comfort and support that it needed. Over all the monkey chose the comfort of the bear over the food.

All im saying by this is that Love and Comfort are essential to life! Thats the most i have figured out about love. you need it in you life. I need my mom, i need my dad, i need my family, i need my best friend, i need my friends,
   And most of all i need to be needed.

-Moby

I am far to small.

There is so much of it.

Space.

There is so much space i am terrified but so taken in by it because with that much space there is so much room for flaw. in fact there is and endless amount. you can mess up as much as you want. and there is no way that the rest of the space will notice.

Space is good. But ive been pretty scared of graduating high school and how much space im going to get.
im going to get to choose my life and there is a lot to choose from. the space is an endless voyage with no map. all you have is you sights of where you want to be. And as for everything in between that's spaces decision. a lot of people get to cought up in where they are going and if they are moving forward back wards or just standing still. well it all comes down to "where do you want to see yourself in the future".

ive read quite a few other blog posts on this subject and i feel like a lot of people are just scared. And feel like they can mess up and if they do there is no hope for them. Which is sad, life is filled with so much opretunity and chance. which "yes" can be good or bad. but if you have good friends and family to support you or for you to fall back on. Or if you have a firm belief in what you want to do and you are sturdy and confident in it you really can fail.

confidence is key. have you stepped outside recently? there is a world out there. and it is the big bad wolf ready to tear your dreams from your heart and tear you apart along with it. It is vast and scary and beautiful.
and overwhelming.
I am far to small.
But my heart, dreams and confidence are big. bigger than any bad wolf.
and when i dream i dont dream about those bad wolfs and the chaotic world.
in my dreams i am going places. and it is so hard but im going places, im going forward. and im living in my own space where im the ruler. and if the totally space wants to move around me so be it. but im not letting it scare me and decide any of my future.
because that is mine. my future is for me to decide and i think with what i have and where i want to be ill do just fine in any amount of space.

-Moby

Thinking to hard

Im thinking about you.
im thinking about you like 1 thinks about 2.
Im thinking about you like walnuts think about when they're going to sprout.
im thinking about you like kids think about what they will become when they grow up.
im thinking about you like a book thinks about being opened and read.
Im thinking about you.

these are all pretty good ways to express the way im thinking about you
the only problem is that i dont think that way
that was all a lie
i think about what was.
rather than what is to come.

im thinking about you like 1 thinks about 0
im thinking about you like a walnut thinks about what tree it came from.
im thinking about you like a kid thinks about where they came from!
im thinking about you like books think about who wrote them!

so i am thinking about you like the present thinks about the past!
and the past thinks about the future! 
the the future thinks "when the hell are you going to get here"!!

Because baby I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting.


but it turns out you were waiting for me all along.
and once i got my mind straight
you were long gone
and thinking about you has become regrets of the past
where i think about you and how i could have been happy making you happy
but i was to scared.
when i start thinking about you i get scared.
no its not your face
or your weight, height, likes or any other physical traits and interests.
its that your to good.
your to good, and i could have been with you.
but i just started thinking way to much
and lost my chance
so baby im thinking about you now
im thinking that im sorry i think too much
and baby im thinking about you for who you are.
and im sorry i messed up.

-Moby

Without my defaults how me would i really be?

We all have a huge arsenal of imperfections that we wish we could change.
Our teeth arnt straight and are tinted yellow. we are to pail. we dont have nice cloths. we have a hard time keeping a conversation going. we are too skinny. we are too fat. we have way to curly hair. we arnt smart. we struggle way to much with reading so we just choose not to. we arnt good a good athlete. we have a funny looking nose. we do like the shape of our head. we have to watch what we eat.
Relax.
were not perfect. Thank God for that. Really thank him because too often we thank him for our blessings and talents. And we honestly think that's what makes us us. but really, where would we be without our imperfections. And we weren't just given those talents from God. No instead he gave us trials and defaults to make us work for our glory.
i used to think things like "im ugly" and that is why i couldn't find love. As if looks had more to do with love than whats on the inside. With looks you can get popcorn love. But when you look past the looks and see them for who they are rather than what they look like. you find yourself a whole new person.
And my ADD ahhhh gosh i hate it. i feel like id be so much smarter without it. and id be able to get all my work done better. And take all those fancy AP and college classes. but knowing what i know now and the people ive met due to me not taking those classes. I wouldn't trade my imperfections for anything. they have made me tough. and i thank God.looking over all my imperfections and my life and how ive grown from far out rather than through a magnifying glass. I am blown away at how much i have grown from them and cherish them. And what they have done for me.

imperfections are just one more thing set in your life to make you stronger and reminds us that we are just humans. And they are what make me, me. And you, you. and aint nobody going to change that.


-Moby

my lovely Rose garden in Hell.

In every house hold i see that there are words. Words of love and words of hate. And there are those words that you cant use and say in any situation. you have your swear words, your potty language, and racist words. we have a lot of those same rules in my home. But when im the father and i make the rules. I know what word will be at the top of my list.
The cuss word of all words. the big bad wolf. In my house it will be know as dropping the F bomb. Under no circumstance will you ever say it. you will never say FAIR. Because life aint fair. aint nothing fair about it. And if you think you can be speaking that word to me in arms length in my house. you best be running. Life isnt fair. Life is hard and living hell and there is only one way out of it. but the thought of that is unbearable because life. life is bearable. we've been doing it for as long as we can remember. and as long as our folks and their folk remember. Life has always been hell. as long as i can remember. but the funny thing is there are some pretty parts of hell. and the more often we learn to pay attention to those prettier parts the more beautiful parts there will be.
so while most people will cry about spilled milk and there lives that seem completely unbearable.
ill know that life. life is bearable. it aint fair. And we dont need fair.

 A beautiful hell whole reality we all call life.

All you need to do is to have perspective. Be able to see the world through others eyes. Be able to step back and think about what you are seeing through your eyes.
is it beutiful?
dose it make you happy?
the only person that will fix the situation and bring you happiness is you.
so wake up and smell the roses becues i just planted a rose garden.
yeah 2 Pac talks about a rose that grew from a crack in the concrete
 But i just grew a whole bush of roses i HELL! and they smell so heavenly.
and im happy
and life aint fair
and thats okay because im still happy
 for i have a perspective that helps me to see heaven while i dwell in this hell.

-Moby

living life dead

Im pathetic.
or maybe i just have really really bad writers block right now.
Ether way i had no idea how to stat this blog post so i looked up the meaning of death in Wikipedia.

Death is the permanent cessation of all biological functions that sustain a living organism. Phenomena which commonly bring about death include biological aging (senescence), predation, malnutrition, disease, suicide, murder and accidents or trauma resulting in terminal injury.^[1] Bodies of living organisms begin to decompose shortly after death.

Sounds about right except for the fact that they left out the living dead. No not the zombies you see on the Walking dead or in movies but the people you see every day at school, the store, and church.
they go through the day in a lifeless manner doing the same things over and over again and some how see no need for change.
Those are the living dead.
they are are living just physically
but mentally they have passed on.
and for some of them that is there life and see no need for change.
they are the reason why i wonder if humans are robots or not.

i think they are happy. but to be honest they don't show any sign of it. or any sign of anything. they just go on living their dead beet life's.

And i wonder a lot. i wonder if they are just asleep and somebody just needs to wake them up.

-Moby

broken hearts want broken necks.

We are all broken. every one of us. but there is something kind of beautiful about that isn't there.

please ignore the video its the only one that would work for the song.

we are all broken beat and down on our self's but some how we manage to go on.
you are marvelous.

Im always here

-Moby

.

Have you ever met that person that just makes you feel like a million bucks. The someone that you hardly know but you feel as if you can practically trust them with your life story. and for some strange reason you do. they are that some one that is just real. they don't wear the nicest cloths ever. they don't wear tons of makeup or even do there hair every morning. they are just plain and simple and REAL. and real people are the best kind. They are the one that will really tell you "you look fat", or "you are skinnier than a twig." They are not trying to hurt you or bring you down. They are just giving there opinion. They really do love and care about you and care more about the rreal you and not that fake mask you wear to school. They see you for what you are now and what you want to be and don't judge you based on your past. Because that's not the direction your headed and they only want to see you go forward and progress in life. They are the ones that make high school bearable and they are the ones that care so little about popularity. Because after high school who is honestly going to care if you were a
 "cool kid".
 But people will remember you for your kindness and your greater perspective on life. And not that it matters but it dose. You'll sorta become popular. but not for you gold trophies and cool kid attitude. but because you don't care. you don't care about what others think and whats "cool" you do things for you. and what makes you happy. And it seams they are happier when you are happy.

They see you for who you really are. And they Love and praise you for it.

So there is nothing left to say but thank you. Thank you Breelyn Bromly and my Best Friend
 you guys saved high school for me.

- Moby